Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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