My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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