is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I enjoy the company of your penis
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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