i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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