I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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