Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
