I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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