Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Are my feet made of real feet?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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