I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Randomize
