just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
