I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
