Can Purell be used as lube?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Randomize
