How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
