I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
