Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
