my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
