We're facebook friends in real life
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
