Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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