thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
