I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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