She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
