I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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