I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
