this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
