Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
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She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
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Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
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