This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
