I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
