i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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