I accidentally had phone sex last night
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
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Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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