If i come over, it means nothing
Someone shit on the floor
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
