did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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