I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
