Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
tell me about the fingering
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
