Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
