I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
