I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
