i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
