no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
