He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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