I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
