I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
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