I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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