I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
