you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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