Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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