life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
