Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
