I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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