College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Mom said you looked used
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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