I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
