my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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