Swine flu. Run for my life!
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
