no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
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Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
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You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize