Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
