i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
