I wish I could punch you in the face.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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