I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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