I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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