dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I'm at about main and main street
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
