Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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