Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
