Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
