Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
